Today has been a good day for me at home, but inside I am missing my son. I always wonder what he's doing now. Maybe he has gone on with his new heaven, a new adventures and here I am suffering in my own guilt and shame. How can you love someone so much you fail to protect?? I hate myself so much for that. It's always WHY? A lot of times, I just think all these problems I have in my life, well I deserve every single one of them.
Anyway.. here goes my depression again.. this always linger for the longest time.. I just don't have desire for anything. I try to push it away and entertain my mind with other things that I can be doing with my family. Here and now is far more important, because my thoughts and action has a major impact on my Grandson, and of course my husband.
The good news is I think I am done with drinking. Smoking is gone for sure, or I am totally stoked about having no issues with it... The drinking, I have said NO to few of those naughty ones.. and the mj.. totally not into it. Sometimes I did think how something would be entertaining if I had some... but really? I'm too old for this immaturity schemes. They're not fooling when they said ARTIST loves drugs because it makes them more creative.. I dunno, maybe I have personality problems... when I meditate.. I become more spiritual.. Oh, I go into different frame of mind on certain issues.. so let's not talk about that..
My boys have treated my really nice for Mother's day, and I am making sure they will have a great time for their birthday.. I know Grandson did. Somehow.. somehow.. Grandpa got his Birthday wish already..
