Being alone again has been challenging mentally, but the drive makes me stronger everyday. With hubby being civil and reasonable makes it easy. There were times he asked if I could come home, what if he fixes what I have a problem with, would I come home. Years of damage doesn’t get fixed overnight, or in a weeks time, not even a few months. He would have to show me the good side of him and exercise that extremely before I come home. And that looks bleak of hope on his end, I have moved forward.
I just haven’t gotten the guts to make a step forward to filing for separation as of yet. Divorce I figured when the time comes when I know it practically hopeless and I should go on with life without him, or he has decided to go on his own too. I tried to do it today, but I got the chills and goose bumps and I did feel sadden about this whole situation. Instead I took care of other business that needed to be done.
I do still love him, he is still like a best friend, there’s times I miss him. I just can’t live with him, there’s time, a lot of time I don’t even want to be with him. Best we live separate. As far as Grandson, he goes between us and he’s happy with our arrangement. Yesterday he spent the day with Grandpa, today I saw him and tomorrow he will be with me, in the evening until Sunday he will be with Grandpa but will visit me for breakfast or lunch, maybe dinner. I go to the house on Sunday to visit with the animals, and pick up whatever stuff I need while the boys are in church. We all have a sit together and have dinner still.
Soon I will need to go back there and pack up my belongings, I know. Right now I am feeling sick, there's no hurry but I want to get my stuff out so he too can move to wherever he wants to live.
Yesterday he helped me greatly with solving my bills and getting them taken care of. I really have to budget and take care of my stuff. I have to pay attention.
Physically, I still wobble and feel like I'm drunk. Sometimes my memory goes out from stressing, but I laugh at it and I tell people I will be back when I remember what it is that I've come for. I need to write them down. Sometimes I stutter, but not as bad.. I notice it's more under stress and fatigue. Otherwise I am on the go.
My operation, I have yet to get on insurance. I have to go to Albuquerque to get my surgery, that's the only place that work with cancer.
